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Submitted on
January 31


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we are hynagogic wasteland words, unraveling
corpses clutching at bruised throats - white gasoline

and when your skin heals, i hope i've permeated your bones
( i will never be rid of you ).
full title: blowing my teeth out the back of my skull [this is not a romance novel]
i don't know either.
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imperfect-parachute Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Student Writer

You come up with such amazing titles for your poems. I wish I could do that.

This is really good. I love it! =D

counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much ;v;!
imperfect-parachute Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome! =D
ClozapineX Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I feel like there is a lot I could learn from you.
I enjoy the vocabulary you use and the way you piece together words.
Most poetry to me is so dreadfully boring, but you capture my interest in a way few tend to be able to.

As for a slight analysis on the poem side and a brief criticism.
I personally enjoy those and hearing people's thoughts on the meaning, so I will provide you with one in hopes that you feel the same.
I may be incorrect, but here is my interpretation.

In the first bit, I think you describe a relationship (whether romantic or otherwise, just one between two people) where everything that is said is empty, not in the way that the words carry no meaning, but in the way that whatever brought them to life before has been beaten out and is dead. I think you also describe the way that communication comes about in this relationship, where something has occurred and the place for speaking is now desolate and barren. Whatever words travel through this plane, nothing lives here any longer. When you say "unraveling", I get the impression that the barren land where communication flows without life says something more about the relationship at hand: it's ending. All the lifeless words point to the death of the things that put them forth. In the second line, you describe it as "corpses clutching at bruised throats" which gives me the impression that the people in this relationship are dead. They're empty vessels bleeding what little is left through words that fall on deaf ears. The idea of clutching at bruised throats gives me the impression pain defines this relationship, but there is still some desire (whether one-sided or not) to make it work. The word "clutching" gives me the impression that it's an act of desperation, like the phrase "clutching at straws" rather than something more violent. I imagine though, from the "bruised throats" part, that although there is desire to make things work, it has already died and it's long gone. What words could've been said already have, and it's dead now. The "white gasoline" line eludes me still however, as I'm not familiar with the reference itself, and so the metaphor is slightly out of reach.

The second part sounds more like a sincere, but self-destructive hope for the other in the relationship. Essentially, to me, it sounds like the line says "I sincerely hope that whatever pain this has brought you, that it afflicts you no longer" and the self-depreciating and self-destructive part similarly says "and I hope you forget about me, and that I've made no lasting impact on you", concluding with "but I will always be haunted by you".

The title sounds more like a phrase rather than a specific reference to say, suicide, or something to the extent. The title sounds similar to "blow my brains out", which captures a range of different emotions and standpoints. To me, I think it describes the complex (and yet simple) state of emotions rather than providing a definitive end (e.g. suicide).

As for say, the style of it. I thought it was well done. It was organized well -- the two parts are separated in a way that makes sense. The basic rhythm of it flowed smoothly. The parenthesis in the second part were a nice touch and came off better than leaving outside. Your use of vocabulary and metaphors helped to illustrate a scene that carries weight both in its graphic-quality and its meaning. Overall, I enjoy it thoroughly.
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much. I'm always kind of afraid my writing will be dull or too far-fetched, so it's really nice to hear I'm able to interest you and that you enjoy my work.

I always appreciate feedback and constrictive criticism!

While I do try to make my poetry sort of vague and open to interpretation, I think you've got this one figured out. You explained it better than I could myself, haha. Less eloquently worded, I was sort of trying to write about two broken people toward the end of a relationship - empty words and actions can't fix the relationship and they can't fix each other. Although, again, I think you've explained it better and more articulately than I could myself.

I think "white gasoline" might have been a bit of an over-extended and half-baked metaphor. Cracking, in a chemical sense, is the breakdown of complex bonds, and white gasoline is "uncracked" gasoline. By the metaphor, I tried to express what the people in the mentioned relationship were aiming for: the desire to be healed, fixed, unbroken. Yet it's still "gasoline" - it's still unremarkable, unexceptional, mediocre, and commonplace.

I feel like my titles are always very hit or miss; they either fit well or are way too general. In this case, I agree with what you've said; it's more of a vague and emotional phrase than one the provides definition to the piece.

Again, thank you so, so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to provide me with feedback, especially in such depth.
ClozapineX Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is nothing of the sort -- at least not to my knowledge.
It always seems well-written, intricate, and captures great meaning in relatively few words.

I'm glad to hear my interpretation was accurate. ^^

Nah, with the way you explained it, the metaphor suits it perfectly. The only reason I fail to grasp the metaphors like that you use is because I have absolutely no understanding of Chemistry, which from what I've read, you tend to use frequently for metaphors and the like. What is your knowledge-base in Chemistry anyway?

Mh, I'd like to correct you there. I didn't say that it failed to provide definition to the piece. I said that it described the emotional state of things in your piece rather than alluding to something definitive, such as suicide. "Blowing my teeth out the back of my skull" is not specifically saying suicide as I gathered, but is presented in the same way "blow my brains out" is. It describes not a particular action through the title (as one may assume by what the title is), but I interpreted it to be more like a phrase, essentially saying "Kill me now". It's an expression of the broken desperation and the "just get it over with" agonized mentality. It's not vague. It captures the piece really well and summarizes it the way one would want it to. I was merely providing my interpretation of it, saying that it didn't sound to me like you were writing down a definitive action as the title, but presenting it as a phrase that really conveyed an abstract mood more than a concrete decision. That's all. It's not vague or too general; it captures everything quite well.

You're very, very welcome.
I'm more than happy to.
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you!

Hmm, I don't really have much of a background in it. I've researched in books and online out of my own interest, as it's always really interested and intrigued me. It's really just personal enjoyment, haha.

Ah, I apologize for my misunderstanding. I tend to overthink, especially when analyzing my own work.

Again, thank you. :D
ClozapineX Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome.

Ah, so I see. Well, I haven't looked into it at all.
In any case, I miss a lot of the metaphors you use when Chemistry is the basis of the metaphor.

Nah, no worries at all.
I'm the very same.

You're more than welcome.
I'll examine more of your work later.
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Student Writer
Ah, no worries, I completely understand. I'm happy to explain anything that's unclear.

Haha, I think to an extent we all are.

Looking forward to it! I really appreciate your feedback; it seems like it's rare to get such detailed and in-depth comments, which is a shame.
ClozapineX Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, well if it's no trouble, I have a few that interest me quite a lot.

Well, I'm more than happy to provide it.
Yes, that's the unfortunate case these days. People rarely want to spend the time.
With writing, it's equally that much more difficult to receive.
The only thing more time-consuming to people than reviewing a graphic piece is reviewing a written one.

Oh well. I'm happy to provide you with my thoughts whenever they're around.
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